


So you can drag me through Hell

by Letsplaysomethingdifferent



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Has Nightmares, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, M/M, Psychiatrist Steve Rogers, Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-08 11:14:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6852379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Letsplaysomethingdifferent/pseuds/Letsplaysomethingdifferent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>« The three of us had received a nickname. For her, it was 13 because the poor bastard who would meet her was very unlucky. And in every possible situation! »<br/>Bucky laughed.<br/>« My other friend was named Crossbone. At some point, he was death itself and who would see him would take it as a warning that something terrible was about to happen. But those targeted were never fast enough. »<br/>« And you? »<br/>Bucky’s face darkened.<br/>« I was the winter soldier. »</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes returns from the war after a severe injury. He meets a bunch of new people among whom his psychiatrist Steve Rogers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My mind's already there

**Author's Note:**

> The title of the story is taken from "Follow You" by Bring Me The Horizon
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr ( letsplaysomethingdifferent.tumblr.com )
> 
> I will update the tags!

The sun was hitting the back of his neck, burning and nasty. But he could not afford to move even an inch from his spot. On his right, Rumlow was slowly breathing

« Can you see something? » Bucky whispered.  
« No. They should have been here for at least 10 minutes. »

Bucky knew it. He also knew what it meant for him. As slowly as possible, he turned and leaned against the old wall. He took his helmet and uniform off, put his guns on the ground.

« What the fuck are you doing? » Brock said.  
« You perfectly know what. I can't let her there. »

He was now only wearing a t-shirt. With a knife, he cut his trousers just above the knees and his hair tie. He didn’t look like a soldier anymore.

« James stop. »  
« No Brock. There’s a kid trapped in a house full of explosive devices. We cannot afford to wait for the mine-clearing expert any longer. We can’t because it has been hours since she’s alone in there, without anything to drink. And you know that if I go with my uniform, there is more chance that I’ll be targeted. »

Rumlow looked at him worriedly.

« At least, take your knife. »

Bucky nodded and slipped the blade inside his trousers’ pocket. Then, without turning back, he bypassed the wall and walked toward the little stone house at the corner of the street. 100 meters.  
The sun was now at its zenith.  
90 meters.  
His long hair was falling over his shoulders, heavy from the sweat.  
75 meters.  
His mouth was so dry…  
50 meters.  
There was a little window on the left of the structure and, despite the light, Bucky was able to distinguish a figure. That of a little girl.  
10 meters.  
He hurried and crossed the distance between him and the door. No sound. He quickly estimated the risks around the house. Nothing. Or, at least, not for now.  
He entered. Surprisingly, everything was dark. The only room was empty, the floor dusty. In the left corner, the girl was tied on a chair. She saw Bucky approached, her eyes opened wide but he stopped her from saying anything.

« I’m gonna get you out of here » he whispered.

Tears were dropping on her cheeks. With his knife, he undid the links which were holding her and hugged her tightly.

« I promise we’re gonna get out. We just have to wait for the night. »

By the look in her eyes, he knew she didn't speak english. But, in a way, she understood and she hugged him even tighter.  
He never knew how long he waited, silent, holding the little girl who was shaking because of the fear. He never understood how he had managed to not transfer his own fear to her. The fear that she might never be able to grow old.  
The night finally came. He waited for another couple of hours for the sky to be as dark as possible then he stood up, the little girl still snuggled against him. Everything was calm outside. Maybe too much but Bucky walked fast toward the wall behind which Rumlow was probably still hiding. In a minute, she would be safe. In a minute, he could close his eyes.

_« I’m gonna go home »_ was his last thought before the shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter's title comes from Asgeir's "Going Home"


	2. Oh I'm scared of the middle place between light and nowhere

 

**2 weeks later, May 30th**

Bucky suddenly woke up. His throat was dry, as if the desert was still surrounding him and the sheets were stuck to his sweat soaked limbs.

_« My name is James Buchanan Barnes. I was born on March 10th, 1987 in Brooklyn. I’m in a military hospital in the state of New York. I am no longer there… »_

He jerked out of bed and, staggering, went to the bathroom in order to put some water on his face. After turning the light on, he turned toward the sink. Facing him was a tall and thin man with empty blue eyes. His face was tired, framed by long dark hair and a beard was growing on his cheeks, chin and neck. His eyes paused on the man’s side and then where an arm was missing. It was the reflection of his own ghost that Bucky was watching.

****

**June 2nd**

« How are you today sergeant? »  
« Don’t call me that. »  
« Ok then. How do you want to be called? »  
« James’s fine » Bucky answered.

The blond doctor smiled before checking his files.

« I heard you had been doing great the last couple of days. »  
« Yeah I was. »  
« What about now? »  
« I… »

Bucky looked at his friendly face.

« I… I am… »  
« You don’t know, do you? »

Bucky stayed silent. He had no idea what was going on in his head… Maybe Dr Odinson had felt it because his next sentence was:

« You’re going to meet your new psychiatrist today. »  
« What happened to Dr Foster? »  
« I’m sorry she wasn't able to tell you she was leaving but she felt outside the hospital, and since our son’s birth is due for the beginning of August, she now needs to stay at home. »  
« Oh… »  
« But I’m sure you’ll find Dr Rogers really good! » He added with a large smile. « He’s one of the best of the state and a very dear friend of mine. Beside Jane, he’s the most trustworthy person I have ever met. You’ll be in very good hand. »

Bucky nodded, even if he was skeptical about the fact that people were able to help him or, at least, wanted to do so. He himself was so unsure about everything… Dr Odinson moved around the bed. Carefully, he took Bucky’s stump, observing and asking Bucky to move a bit. He talked for a few minutes about the healing process and said that normally, Bucky would be able to go out of the hospital next friday.

« Do you know where you are going to live James? »  
« That may be the only thing I am sure of. »

His best friend from college, Natasha, had claimed that he would come with her so he wouldn’t be alone. Introverted as he was, he had not tell her that he was incredibly grateful.

« Great. You know that you’ll still have to come by here. »  
« Yes. »  
« Not every week but… »  
« … from time to time. Yes I know. »

Dr Odinson smiled. He left the room when the lunch was brought, leaving Bucky alone with some mashed potatoes and jelly. And all he could think about was the little girl.

****

Around 3pm, a nurse led him to the psychiatrist office. Bucky was nervous. After spending an hour a day with Jane Foster for the past two weeks, he had gotten used to her even if they had mostly spent their time together staying silent. She was soft and warm and smiling. She knew how to speak to him. Bucky didn’t want to deal with someone else.  
He knocked on the door and without waiting, he entered. The room was exactly the same. But now, there was a man standing next to a shelf. He was tall with broad shoulders and defined muscles, blue eyes and blond hair. Bucky was probably staring a bit too much because the man turned toward him.

« Don’t you think it would have been great to wait for my answer? »  
« Sorry… »  
« No, don’t worry. Come here. » He said, pointing to a chair.

They both sat, a desk between them.

« I am Dr Steve Rogers, I’ll be replacing Dr Foster for the next few month. I know that it must be difficult to change your psychiatrist, and so suddenly. »  
« Don’t you tell me it’s gonna go well? »  
« No, because I don’t know. It depends on you James, and what you want, and what you tell me. »  
« You already know everything about me. You’ve got my files. What do you want me to add? »  
« Everything. » The Doctor said. «I don’t care what’s written on your reports, or medical or military files. I want to hear it from you. I want to know what you feel because that’s what is important. So… let me ask you a not so simple question, ok? »

Bucky nodded.

« Do you really think you deserved to lose your arm? »  
« What did you just say? » Bucky exclaimed.  
« Do you really think you deserved to lose your arm? » he repeated without blinking.

Bucky felt anger rising inside him, like an iced burn in his entire body. This man didn’t know. He didn't know him or what he had been through. He didn't know what it had been to lay over her body, incapable of moving and feeling death coming to get him too…  
Bucky rose up and, without looking back, he stormed out of the office.  
He spent the rest of the day sitting near the window in his bedroom. Thinking.  
Rogers couldn't say that.He was pretentious to do so even if…

Dreaming.

_He could feel the heat on his back, the blood flooding out of his left shoulder. He was barely breathing but could still see the little girl under him.The bullet, or whatever projectile it had been, had dig a hole in her chest. Her eyes were closed and Bucky did the same._

  
****

**June 2nd, 9pm**

Bucky wasn't even surprised to find Rogers still in his office when he entered it, that same evening. The doctor was writing at the desk and looked up, his brows furrowed.

« You’re right. » Bucky whispered «I deserved it. I deserved it because I couldn't even save her. »

There was a second of silence. Then Rogers stood up and went to Bucky, putting his hands on his shoulders and his deep blue eyes looked right through his. His voice was low, serious and calming. A mix that sent chills down Bucky’s spine.

« I’m not sure it’s gonna go well. But I promise you I will do everything I can. »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope there's someone  
> Who'll take care of me.  
> When I die, will I go?
> 
> And hope there's someone,  
> Who'll set my heart free.  
> Rest alone when I'm tired.
> 
> There's a ghost on the horizon,  
> When I go to bed.  
> How will I fall asleep tonight?  
> How will I rest my head?
> 
> And godsend I don't want to go  
> To the seal's watershed
> 
> Oh I'm scared of the middle place  
> Between light and nowhere  
> I don't want to be the one  
> Left in there, left in there
> 
> There's a man on the horizon  
> Wish that I'd go to bed  
> And if I fall to his feet tonight  
> Will allow rest my head
> 
> And godsend I don't want to go  
> To the seal's watershed  
> And there's a ghost on the horizon,  
> When I go to bed...
> 
> Avicii - Hope there's someone


End file.
